I am sitting in my house. My grandchildren aren’t here, because they are at home with their mom and dad, awaiting the imminent birth of a new sibling.
The plan had been for them to continue coming here every day until the birth, but now our main objective is for my husband and me to stay healthy and disinfected.
My daughter is living in fear, wondering when the new baby will arrive. Will he be here before the hospital is plunged into COVID19 chaos? Will being in the hospital expose her, and therefore her kids, to the virus?
My husband is at home, too. As a clinical psychologist, he is in very high demand right now. He is providing emotional support to terrified patients by using our family iPad to video conference with them.
We feel like we’re in a blockade or a war. We are isolated, we are anxious.
We’ve been sanitizing everything in sight.
Even our mailbox.
Today I made the incredibly stupid mistake of watching the President of the United States giving an update on the pandemic.
Holy idiotic bullshit flood.
This President spent nearly the entire time on the air congratulating himself. He shut down flights from China, he says, insuring us that this has saved thousands of lives.
“I did it before anyone thought it should be done!” he crowed. “I knew it was a pandemic! I called it that before anyone else thought it was a pandemic!”
No, he didn’t.
My heart rate picked up at this outright lie.
Because I remember this. I remember Trump saying, on February 10,
“By April, during the month of April, the heat generally kills this kind of virus, so that would be a good thing.”
Then I heard the same bumbling fool mispronounce the names of more than one medication that he claimed are ready to be used to treat COVID19.
“Treatment?” I thought. Because I am a reasonably educated person, I know that before a medication is made available for treatment, it must be studied. I understand how clinical trials work.
But Trump said, more than once, that this new miracle medication would be available soon and that it will be very effective.
WHAT THE FUCK.
Then I heard Trump say that the reason he is saying that this new drug will be effective is because “I feel good about it. And I’m right a lot. I’m a smart guy.”
WHAT THE FUCK AGAIN????
Do you remember, a few short, short days ago, when the President told Fox News that the World Health Organization was wrong in its estimates about death rates? He said that he was a real smart guy and that he knew the virus wasn’t really all that serious. He said,
“I think the number — personally, I would say the number is way under 1%. It’s not that severe.”
And here we are now.
Most of Europe is on lockdown. Californians can’t leave their homes. New Yorkers have to shutter all businesses. Schools across the country are closed, and millions of people have no idea what will happen next.
I’m living inside of a plastic box, essentially, trying to keep my daughter and her children safe. I’m scared. And I am far from alone.
In today’s news conference, Trump was asked,
“What do you say to Americans who are watching you right now, who are scared?”
“I’d say that you’re a terrible reporter, that’s what I’d say.”
That’s when I knew that my blood pressure was up over 160/90. I could almost feel the aneurysm forming.
I am over 64! I am in the high-risk group!
Sure, I can wash my hands a hundred times a day, stay away from other humans, ration my toilet paper.
But how the HELL do I protect myself from the fact that I am living through the worst pandemic in a hundred years, and the guy in charge is a narcissistic asshole who lies like the rest of us draw breath?
I don’t know.
I feel relatively sure that I will live through COVID 19. I seriously doubt I’ll survive the Trump years.