Imagining a Biden/Trump Debate

Can you picture it? A big stage, ringed with American flags, half waving to the left, half to the right. Two podiums, each angled slightly toward each other, each facing front and center.

A large screen glows with a “Major Important Network” Logo. There is a crowd of people seated in front of the stage, breathlessly awaiting the arrival of the two final Big Party candidates for the Presidency. This, as everyone knows, is the MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION IN OUR LIFETIMES.

After a few minutes of hushed squirming, the crowd goes silent. A spotlight shines on a Famous Face on the News. He smiles with humility and turns toward the crowd.

“Good evening,” he intones. “Tonight we gather to watch the only official debate between the two candidates in the 2024 election for President of the United States. Both men have agreed to the rules and expectations for the debate. Both candidates’ advisors have agreed to the questions. Both of the nurses assigned to the candidates have agreed that they should probably be able to handle the stress of the event as long as they can stay hydrated and have access to oxygen as needed. Now let us introduce the two men vying for the position of MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD.”

The camera cuts to the left, and shows a tall, thin, slightly stooped man with white hair and a gleaming white smile. He…