Announcing My Candidacy for President

I did look like this once. I swear this is really me.

My fellow Americans,

It is with great pride and a sense of honor that I come before you today to officially declare my candidacy for the office of President of the United States.

Over the many years of my life, I have dedicated myself to helping my fellow citizens achieve lives of prosperity and fulfillment. Now, after my decades of work, I have decided that it is time to…