My fellow Americans,
It is with great pride and a sense of honor that I come before you today to officially declare my candidacy for the office of President of the United States.
Over the many years of my life, I have dedicated myself to helping my fellow citizens achieve lives of prosperity and fulfillment. Now, after my decades of work, I have decided that it is time to offer my services to the nation in the role of national leader.
I believe that I am extremely well qualified for the job of President, and I will tell you why.
In the first place, it has become obvious to all of us that any random human plucked from obscurity could do a better job of governing than the buffoon in charge now. At least as long as that person possessed one small iota of common decency. I humbly assure you that I do have that iota.
Second, I have never been accused of anything more serious than talking too much at book club meetings. I’ve never committed a crime, sexual or otherwise, and have never had enough money or power to be corrupted. That’s a good thing, right?
My fellow Americans, I know it seems like a pipe dream to some of you to believe that I could jump into the presidential race this late and have any hope of winning. The idea of a simple, average, middle-class teacher lady becoming the leader of the free world is both thrilling and alluring, I know. But how could a regular, everyday grandma like me overcome the strength of the two big party candidates?
I’ll tell you how. See, I’ve been studying recent history. I have followed the unlikely political success of one Donald J. Trump. A mere five years ago, he was the most loathed man in the world. Nevertheless, he won our last national election by focusing on one simple idea:
Tell the masses exactly what they want to hear. Then tell them again. Do it with a straight face and if anyone calls you out for making shit up, say, “I was just kidding.”
And that is why I have come before you all today to tell you that if you elect me President, everything will be fabulous. I mean, seriously fabulous.
For example, when I become President, ice cream will become a health food. You’ll be able to eat it for every meal and twice for dessert without gaining an ounce. It will lower your cholesterol.
Also, all work will become optional, while paychecks become mandatory no matter what. Won’t that be fun?
Nothing will ever again be your own fault. Nothing. Every single problem in your life will be attributable to some other person. Someone who isn’t you or anything like you.
You will have a fabulous existence. Your love life will become fabulous because you’ll have more money and more time (remember the part about work?) You will enjoy fabulous vacations in fabulous places, where you will have fabulous adventures.
(Trump also taught me that it is good to rely on one or two keywords when you’re speaking in public. “Incredible” was already taken.)
My fellow Americans, vote for me. I’ll bring you joy, prosperity and happiness! Sicknesses will all go away, like a miracle. Cancer? Gonna go away in the warm weather. Heart disease? Just eat more ice cream.
The economy? It will be, dare I say it….fabulous!
So vote for me! I’m a very nice teacher lady. If you elect me, your kids will never act out again and every student will fall in love with math facts.
It will all be fabulous.
Many people are saying it.