Announcing My Candidacy for President

I did look like this once. I swear this is really me.

My fellow Americans,

It is with great pride and a sense of honor that I come before you today to officially declare my candidacy for the office of President of the United States.

Over the many years of my life, I have dedicated myself to helping my fellow citizens achieve lives of prosperity and fulfillment. Now, after my decades of work, I have decided that it is time to offer my services to the nation in the role of national leader.

I believe that I am extremely well qualified for the job of President, and I will tell you why.

In the first place, it has become obvious to all of us that any random human plucked from obscurity could do a better job of governing than the buffoon in charge now. At least as long as that person possessed one small iota of common decency. I humbly assure you that I do have that iota.

Second, I have never been accused of anything more serious than talking too much at book club meetings. I’ve never committed a crime, sexual or otherwise, and have never had enough money or power to be corrupted. That’s a good thing, right?

My fellow Americans, I know it seems like a pipe dream to some of you to believe that I could jump into the presidential race this late and have any hope of winning. The idea of a simple, average…